Commando (

1985

)

With The Terminator (1984), Arnold Schwarzenegger showed that he had genuine acting chops in addition to his imposing physique. He was utterly believable as the soulless killing machine, imbuing his movements with a jerky, mechanical feel. Combined with his menacing deadpan, it was enough to dip his performance into the uncanny valley and convince viewers they were not watching a genuine machine. It was a masterful performance, perhaps the highlight of Schwarzenegger's career if you're looking at him as a thespian rather than an action star. However, such a role could have well been the end, or at least the downfall of his career. Schwarzenegger could have easily found himself typecast forever as the villain, showing up in production after production to make the heroes look tougher and more courageous. There's nothing wrong with being typecast as a heavy, but were Schwarzenegger stuck in such roles it would have deprived us of the greatest action-comedy star of his generation. Thank god Schwarzenegger or his agent was smart enough to follow up on the success of The Terminator (1984) with an honest-to-god starring role, better yet one which showcased Schwarzenegger's considerable comedic talents.

Here, he takes on the role of John Matrix, a retired American special forces colonel who has decided to live out the rest of his days with his daughter Jenny, in what looks like a California state park. He lives his life as an exemplar of masculinity, clearing brush, chopping down trees with a chainsaw, and teaching Jenny martial arts; each shot is interspersed with closeups of Schwarzenegger’s biceps. The opening credits are such a barrage of rugged masculinity that it feels like it must be either a parody or an advertisement for cigarettes, but like everything else in Commando, the opening sequence is totally genuine. One day, their peaceful life is interrupted when a military helicopter lands on Matrix's property, carrying his former CO, General Kirby. At first, Jenny is worried that the military has come to rope her father into doing one more job, but as it turns out the situation is much worse than that. Somebody is hunting down the former members of Matrix's unit and killing them off one-by-one. Given the unit's actions across the world, it would be easier to list the factions that don't have a grudge against them than the ones that do. Kirby believes that Matrix is next on the hit list, so he's dropping off a couple of grunts to keep an eye on him while he figures out which group is behind the attacks.

As soon as Kirby departs though, the house is immediately attacked by a band of heavily armed goons. In short order the two grunts Kirby stationed there are cut-down, Jenny is captured by the bad guys, and Matrix is subdued by a half-dozen baddies with assault rifles. As it turns out this was all a ruse, concocted by Matrix's old enemy Arius, a South American dictator from the fictional nation of Val Verde now living in exile after Matrix helped a group of rebels toppled his regime. It's not just Arius that Matrix has to worry about though. The former dictator is being aided by Bennett, a disgraced member of Matrix's own unit. The details are a little sparse, but Matrix busted Bennett out of the service, a fact that Bennett has never forgiven him for. Bennett is supposed to be Arius' Dragon, the toughest guy in his service and the most physically dangerous of all the baddies. The film treats him that way, and he certainly comes closer to killing Matrix than any of the other villains, but he is impossible to take seriously. The problem is his costume. For the whole movie, he's dressed in a ludicrous costume that includes a handlebar mustache and a chain-mail vest. It makes him look less like a rogue special forces soldier, and more like a rejected member of the Village People. His Australian accent doesn't help much either, because it makes me start to wonder what kind of American military unit is made up of Australians and Austrians? What is this the Foreign Legion?

Arius wants Matrix to assassinate the new president of Val Verde. If Matrix refuses, then Jenny's life is forfeit. So Matrix is sent to the airport with a couple of goons in tow. One, a tiny smug bastard named Sully, will wait in the airport while the plane takes off to make sure Matrix is en route to Val Verde. The other, a huge guy named Henriques, will fly with Matrix to Val Verde and let Arius know when they touch down. Matrix isn't going to take this lying down so while the plane is preparing to take off his snaps Henriques' neck and escapes from the plane by jumping out just after it's gotten into the air (it's a fall that should probably kill him, but because this is a goofy action movie he walks away from it without so much as a scratch). Now, Matrix has 11 hours to track down Arius and rescue his daughter before the plane he was on lands in South America and Arius realizes what's going on. From a structural point of view, this is a simplistic but effective ticking clock mechanic that will fuel the action for the rest of the film. Matrix has no idea where Arius is hiding out, but fortunately, he has a lead in the form of Sully. Matrix starts by tailing Sully, picking up his improbable sidekick, Cindy the flight attendant, along the way.

From there the film quickly devolves into a series of brutal and memorable action set pieces. The kerfuffle in the mall sets the tone nicely with Schwarzenegger tossing phone booths around and swinging on streamers like he's Errol Flynn in an old pirate movie. From there it's off to a smaller scale brawl in a motel room that, of course, spills over into the next room and interrupts the couple screwing in there (hey, we had to get some boobs onscreen somehow). After that our heroes rob an improbably well-stocked military surplus store (they have an M202 for Christ's sake) by crashing a Bulldozer through the front door. Then it's time to hijack a pontoon-plane and attack Arius' private island that is swarming with soldiers. The film has enough sense to put its most impressive action sequence at the end (so we end on a high note) and it's second most impressive sequence at the beginning so we're in a good mood right from the get-go, sprinkling the weaker set pieces in the middle where they will more easily be forgotten.

The plot makes no damn sense; If we stop to examine anything for more than five minutes, everything immediately falls apart. Why did Arius bother hunting down and killing the rest of Matrix's unit when all he wanted from Matrix was to assassinate the new president of Val Verde? Surely it would have been better to attack Matrix directly, without any warning, rather than giving both him and Kirby the heads up. Why didn't Matrix contact General Kirby immediately after escaping from the plane? Or if not then, why not call in some backup right after he killed Sully or after he hit a dead end in his investigation after killing Cooke? Why wait until moments before he launches his assault on Arius' island fortress? At the very least Kirby could have given him a couple of guns so he wouldn't have to rob an army surplus store! Nor do the characters make any damn sense, especially Cindy who goes from being Matrix' hostage in her first scene to becoming his willing accomplice. She has no earthly reason to believe anything that Matrix has said about needing to rescue his daughter. Indeed she doesn't know anything about Matrix beyond what he's told her and the observable fact that he is a deadly killing machine. Cindy should have booked it the moment Matrix turned his back, not followed him along like a puppy going so far as to rescue him from the cops with a rocket launcher. The plot and characters were no importance to the screenwriters, so they should be of equally little concern for us.

Such issues detract little from Commando because the film is completely unconcerned with its own story or characters. They are merely excuses for a series of fantastic action set-pieces. It is probably the closest I've seen a Western film come to the madcap nonsense of the most absurd Hong Kong action films. To put so little care into the plot and characters is a risk, to be sure. The film is counting entirely on its action, its one-liners, and its ridiculous spectacles to keep the audience invested for the full run-time. Fortunately, Commando is more than up to the task here, even at its dullest points only a scant moment or two will elapse between something absurd happening. As a film, it is of course deeply flawed, but as an action spectacle, it delivers in spades. Indeed, I'd go so far as to say that Commando is the platonic ideal of a cheesy 1980s action movie. That is not to say that it is the best, if I'm being honest I doubt it would crack my top five. When I call it the platonic ideal of 1980s action movies, I mean when you close your eyes and try to imagine the purest example of that genre and era then what you'll picture is a movie that bears an uncanny resemblance to Commando. It has everything good and bad that one would expect from a film of its time and genre. Everything from the explosion-laden climax, to the film's insistence on having every major death punctuated with some corny one-liner. If you despise 80s action movies, I can guarantee that you'll hate Commando, but it's a hoot-and-a-half for those of us that are more vulnerable to their charms.

The only thing that seems out of place here is the soundtrack. For some reason that I cannot even begin to understand, Commando features a steel drum as a main part of its thrilling action music. The result is a pulse-pounding score that constantly threatens to devolve into a mellow reggae jam. When the steel drum is not employed the soundtrack tends towards a harsh, discordant variety of jazz. It's not that the soundtrack is bad, per se (though it is certainly too loud in some places), just that it is not at all the sort of music I would expect from an 80s action movie. Where is the intense synth music like what The Terminator (1984) had? I'd understand if this movie was at least set in the Caribbean, but the main characters never leave Los Angeles.